Embracing Differences, Fostering Community, Illuminating Hearts

“Coraje”

Hi, I’m a 26 year old bisexual Wiccan, and I’m legally blind.

Everyone has days or weeks where they feel like the deck is stacked against them. Me? I’m pretty sure the deck of life is stacked against me. I was born with a genetic eye condition,  the short version of which is I have no color vision, no depth perception, am nearsighted and almost blind in bright light.

I went in for an eye exam recently and a few people commented on how nice it was that I was smiling, laughing and generally happy. I found this strange because yes, my life is challenging and frustrating, but why should I be mad about it? It’s not going to change anything, it’s not going to make it all better or easier.

I was raised by a very catholic mother and a hippie father (they split up when I was very young, surprising I know). For as long as I can remember my mom pushed catholicism down my throat. I went to catholic schools, did after school catholic education classes, we went to church weekly and so on. I started going through puberty when I was 10. Suddenly my body was changing and I became aware of girls. The problem is that nobody talked about bisexuality or homosexuality,  so I was confused and scared by the fact I found myself looking at girls chests as well as checking out guys. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I came to understand and accept that u was bisexual, and that was okay, and honestly I still haven’t told my mom because I don’t want to deal with the drama.

By the time I was 12 I knew Catholicism and organized religions weren’t for me. There was to much structure and hypocrisy.  No practicing what was preached. Around this time I found Wicca, it made sense to me in a way that other religions didn’t.  I explored Buddhism and many ancient pagan religions, but I always came back to Wicca. We had Mormons come by a couple months back. I told them I was Wiccan, when they didn’t get that I told them that they commonly called it witchcraft. They immediately left and have not come back. Most people are accepting, if unsure about, my religion. But to see what is supposed to be an open understanding religion so against my religion astounded and hurt me a little. I was just being honest and trying to start a discussion with them. I try very hard not to judge people but find others constantly judge me. Whether for my age, my gender, my religion, my weight. And it hurts.

The same is true of my bisexuality. People at first, especially women, are afraid just because I’m bisexual that I’m going to hit on them or want to ask them out. When I came out to my friends in high school these were the first questions I was asked. Only after I reassured them I don’t date friends did they support me and reassure me. Even in the LGBT and BDSM communities I get crap. Lesbians don’t like me because they think I’m greedy, or fear I’ll leave them for a man, etc. In the BDSM community I identify as a switch, because it’s about who I’m with if I’m more dominant or submissive. I’m attracted to people, not genders.

I wish people saw the person I am. Not who they want me to be, not who they think I am because of labels, not who they think I should be. Just me, imperfect, a work in progress and often lonely.

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